I want to ruin this movie for you so thoroughly, you won’t even think about seeing it. Your own children won’t even think about seeing it. I want to burn it into ashes, smear fecal matter over it’s corpse and bury it so deep the next time it feels light will be during the heat death of the Universe. So, my review of San Adreas.

This movie sucks.

I don’t know what part gave it away. Maybe it was the absolutely god-awful CGI as a car is flip-flopping down a hill, with all the motion control of a first-year, Flash-tweening media-studies student. Or maybe it was the complete disregard for helicopter avionics. Or maybe it was the just-so-fucking-cliched lead actor intro that you want to visit bodily harm upon the nearest flesh in sight. And that’s all in the first five minutes of the film.

There is nothing, *nothing*, new here. Placed against other disaster-porn travesties like 2012, San Andreas manages to fall into its own chasm of despair. Characters and plot and effects and everything else either evaporate or were just never there.

There is no redeeming feature I can think of. Not a one.

Don’t bother seeing it. Don’t even bother streaming it.